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ramenfreek19
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Name: Christine
Gender: Female
Interests: Piano, Flute, Singing, Dance, SHOES, Rocky Road ice cream, fashion, meeting people, reading things written with tinges of archaic syntax and diction, fob clothes (they're interesting to look at), & baking
Expertise: idk- pie.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  cloudyapple21
Member Since:
1/16/2007
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| Good lord, it's been awhile. There's no way I can possibly catch up on what's been going on in the past 15 months at my new school (UMD!), but I've been essentially adapting to who I think I want to be. There's been some crazy times (sort of what happens when you have a stripper for a roommate), some heart-wrenching experiences, some absolute highs, and moments that you think are the absolute depths of despair. But I realized about half an hour ago, that I honestly need to take a break from thinking about things like school, making other people happy, maintaining whatever "image" I think I should have, and just breathe for a second. This here is my active decision to stop stressing about disappointing myself or more likely my parents- since these days I'm far more forgiving of my own mistakes than I could ever expect them to be. I think it should be enough to put in as much reasonable effort as I think a college student can while maintaining my own sanity and happiness. For goodness sake, I'm 21. I don't think it's quite right for them to be still dictating my every move, even if I can't be financially independent yet (I understand that's probably a controversial statement). It's kind of a sad thing to have to come to terms with. That I can't share some of my deepest joys with my parents, knowing they will disapprove as they have before when they wanted me to quit Colorguard or when they made me quit Gymkana earlier this semester. I just can't stand sacrificing things I care anymore just for the sake of being obedient. I honestly feel kind of terrible since I know hiding big parts of my life definitely isn't the "Christian" thing to do, but more and more lately, I'm starting to question what that even means as an adjective. I feel like it's oftentimes just a shade used to veil personal criticisms that my parents might have. I just need to take some time (after finals) to sort out what I really believe they're doing is right and if I'm falsely refuting something that I just don't understand. I'll post a more cheerful update when I have less work to do. I have 6 more hours until an exam and still a final paper to write and some studying to do. -sighs- life of a science major. Wish me luck! | | |
| This was a letter I once wrote to somebody with whom I was quite close. Unfortunately, we've drifted quite far apart, which makes me sad, because I did try to maintain a friendly connection. But I just thought I'd share this old letter with you all, I'm actually quite fond of it, and I rather wonder if the original recipient keeps it because I remember how happy he was when I first wrote it to him. :]
Dear Steven,
I was in the middle of some textbook reading (yes, I finally got around to my homework :D), but I just couldn’t shake the haunting words from your phone call not too long ago. Namely, how you feel that because of the way she’s raised you and how the methods with which she chooses to interact with you have screwed up your personality and make you kind of dysfunctional as a person. Of course this makes me sad that you feel that way, and me just saying “cheer up” is obviously not going to do much, because telling someone they need to just try to smile or something, to me, seems kind of insensitive and uncaring .
So I just want to say that for all that maybe you think that it’s now difficult for you to relate to people, not just your mom, *because* of your mom- even if I can’t fully understand what that feels like- I hope you can take heart in the fact that you really aren’t as far gone to the dark side as you keep implying that you are. I know that even if you say it jokingly sometimes, that there’s kind of a bitter belief in it from you. I can’t just tell you to try not to be like your mom, because from the way you describe your general interactions with her, you probably can’t help picking up her ways- it’s just an exposure thing that’s tough to escape, and that much I truly can understand.
Ok, actually, I didn’t get to actually make my point of what I “just want[ed] to say,” because the rest of the preceding paragraph ended up being a ginormous tangent to establish/justify and segue into this following point. The point being that- I don’t at all think you’re an unwholesome fellow. In fact, sometimes I quite like you. I’ve already described you a few times, but you’re helpful when you can be, you’re enthusiastic about doing nice things for your friends (you, baker, you), you’re quite sentimental in that you bother keeping in touch with old friends from far away, and you’re amazingly clear-sighted and deep and pensive, also you‘re smart and musical, which aren‘t related to personality, but they‘re good qualities to have in my book. Most people five times your age can’t even hope to be as well-developed as you are now, socially or mentally.
And who knows, it could very well be, that there’s a lot of deep dark stuff about yourself that you’ve been trying to spare me. Whatever the case may be, I still believe that you’re truly a lovely, beautiful person inside and out and I hope that you can only change for the better to be more satisfied with yourself, though so far as I know, there isn’t much that you have to improve upon.
Love,
Christine
PS- don’t laugh, I know it gets a leeeetle corny :]
I don't know why, but re-reading my old words kind of makes me smile in remembering how pleasant it is just to be friendly.
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| In a shadowy box theater, surrounded by all the world of friends, family and acquaintances - they comprise the intimate audience, playing actively into this false drama- is a marionette of many masters, each with a spindly, invisible string. I wonder how this audience should thusly be allowed to overstep its role, sapping away the will of this genial puppet. But not every puppet-master is in full conscience of his influence. The puppet, eager to please, reacts to the smallest twitch. Therein is the glitzy illusion, the farcical show of free will. Even when it thinks to act independently, the doll still is ever only doing so in constrained performance as a show for another.
With hardly the time for self-maintenance, the joints begin to creak. The wood begins to crack, and the painted smile begins to chip. The limbs are grinding apart. The puppet rubs its feet raw constantly dancing in its clumsy clogs. Every so often in its peripheral, it catches a glimpse of a wire shimmering into view, and the perennial conflict races through its mind: should it fight to break free, thus severing the tie or should it at all costs preserve the steely bond? And then the moment is gone- the string fading into obscurity, becoming imperceptible once again. Fleetingly, the puppet recalls the early days, when it could live and move for itself, but as the box theater filled and the attraction grew in recognition, so burgeoned the constrictions as well.
Ought the doll to revel in this growing circle of faceless characters as its energy is correspondingly being fast depleted? Perhaps it better surreptitiously depart the stage once and for all and steal away in silent liberation.
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| THANK YOU JESUS.
As of Thursday, I have officially finished my freshman year of college! And I've gotten two acceptances from schools for transferring (UMBC and Penn State) and a waitlist notice from Rutgers with a very positive chance of getting in, according to the admissions counselor I spoke with, and now I am waiting for word from two more schools University of Maryland and Pittsburgh- eep! Also, I think I might be getting straight A's this semester. I'm really hoping I do!!!
Okay, so at dinner, my parents asked me what summer plans I had? They said that summer is a time for getting ahead and working hard. It isn't a time for relaxation and fun. So they asked me what my plans were.
Ideally, if I had to be doing something practical that would get me experience in the working world, I think I would absolutely LOVE to work at the Cheesecake Factory. I just really love the vibe and the decor and ambiance there (also, i really like cheesecake), but unfortunately, that's not going to work because I'll be going to Austria and/or Taiwan by the end of June. So I'll probably be stuck working at my parents' dental clinic for awhile.
It's honestly hard to think of some practical things that I need to do. My school didn't really have any internship connections that I could try for because the opportunities it provides are just somewhat limited, and I'm not in Junior or Senior year yet, so it's not like I have pressing entrance exams to study for, or graduate school to worry about getting into. I honestly have a lot more hedonistic type activities that I would really like to get (back) into.
- I want to learn how to cook better. I mean, I can cook a little- but I honestly want to get to a level of expertise that garners legitimate respect. Also, I think it'd be a fun health experiment, learning how to grocery shop and eat right.
- I want to improve at dance. I really liked modern dance and i think hiphop looks ridiculously cool, so I think I want to give street jazz a try. Also, the forced exercise would be pretty good for me ;D
- I seriously need to get back in the habit of reading as much as I used to. I used to read a book at least every other day. And I have, I think, 2 Barnes & Noble bags, full of books whose spines have yet to be cracked (I hate doing that to be honest). I love that feeling you get after finishing a book. That dreamy state where you're lost in the world from the book you just read. And you can't help but constantly reflect on everything that happened and seeing things from the characters' slants. I love it. Occasionally, if I read right before nighttime, I'll fall asleep thinking about the story, and then I'll dream about it, which is also usually pretty interesting.
- Guitar. I absolutely have to learn. My [brother's] guitar has been sitting in a corner gathering dust. I just need to replace that high E-string (it always snaps. ALWAYS) and try to stretch my petite fingers around the neck to place the chords and hope to God, it doesn't sound like a strangled duck.
- summer fling? Ha, psych :P
That'll happen or it won't, but I honestly wouldn't mind meeting some new people and making new friends. I miss meeting new people. People are so fascinating, which leads me to my next point.
- going with a close buddy and just doing some people watching, it seems kind of interesting (albeit, moderately creepy) to just sit somewhere and reflect upon passerby and try to guess at the sort of person he/she might be based upon comport and appearance
- maybe gardening, most likely flowers, I don't really think I'd trust myself to grow edible food xD
When I was in elementary school, I fell in love with gardening after reading "The Secret Garden". And it really was quite satisfying, being able to cultivate life like that, nothing quite compares, that I've found so far at least.
- Sewing. I'm thinking I'm going to take a sewing class. Because after getting completely addicted to Modcloth.com I realized that I wouldn't mind trying my hand at some design and fashion. But then I remembered that I lack any formal technical skills. I have none whatsoever :/. I mean besides the extremely basic needle and thread motions.
So there you have it, some areas of personal appeal with which I might want to busy myself this summer. I'll let you know how it goes! But for now, pce.
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| Wow, looking back- it's been pretty much 2 years since my last post, a post which didn't seem to have any substance to it anyways, seeing as how I was only doing it to procrastinate something or other, so I can't really use it as a basis for a representative comparison between how I was then and how I am now.
But taking a guess, I'm more socially accessible now, and I can actually converse more freely with people now that I've widened my range of interest and consequently relatability. I mean, there are some days I miss being the girl who honestly couldn't care less what people thought because I was free to save a lot of time and energy just doing my own thing. These days, I feel like I expend so much effort tiptoeing around other peoples' expectations and social convention, and every so often the idea that I could screw up grips me with fear (mostly because I have Asian parents). But there's definitely an upside to being the new me.
I completely love being sociable. I almost forgot how much until 2 days ago, on Friday- I had a chance to visit University of Maryland with a friend of mine and meet up with a lot of old friends and make some new acquaintances at the same time. I currently attend a community college, and call me a snob, but honestly it's hard for me to find people that I want to be friends with here. Most of my friends are music majors (and I think it's because I don't really encounter them in an academic setting, so they never really disappoint me), and they are really nice people... It's just I don't see many of those friendships lasting. The thought is a little bit disheartening, but there aren't enough common interests to bind me to any of these people after I leave.
Anyways, back to what I was saying: University of Maryland- somehow, everything and everyone just seems cleaner and less tainted here (and I know that's not necessarily true of everyone, because come on, it's college). But the people there seemed way more presentable and looked like they had more of an idea of where they were going and how to take care of themselves. (also, I noticed that the guys there were hecka lot cuter than the creepers and druggies I've become accustomed to seeing and my friend noticed that a lot of the guys worked out a lot more and were pretty jacked)
Also, there are so many more campus-wide activities that actually seem worth attending. Like we passed by a group of people playing a game of something called Zombie (?) that supposedly lasts for months. And I was at the TASA (taiwanese american student association) nightmarket event, and there was actually a pretty large turnout of non-apathetic peers out supporting their friends or getting some cultural infusion, on a Friday night instead of just shooting up drugs or something. Before the Nightmarket event, I was also at a barbecue on the Mall (big campus green/quad for those unfamiliar with the school) with the prettiest, softest green grass, and lots of students out being social and happy, eating food as the sun set over the campus...
I realize that I just gave a narrative without any real cohesive train of thought to connect the events together. I guess what the underlying idea is that I wonder what else I've been missing out on... yeah, there are definitely a lot of novel experiences and interesting (*interesting*) people I've met this year, but I don't think it can quite compare to the whole experience of being in a legitimate 4-year college. I wonder how much of myself I might have lost, or what parts of myself I've missed out on a year of developing while trapped, still living at home. Crossing my fingers, here's to hoping to a fresh start this coming fall, better late than never right?
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